Did everyone die?!

Ok did everyone die? We used to have long comment conversations on our blogs and that stopped several months ago and we havent picked it up since. What happened? I miss the conversations.

The contrasts of me

The Old me
Papa Roach- "Last Resort"

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort

Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding
Who did me wrong
Who did me right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

'Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils

'Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me in fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying

I can't go on living this way

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Who did me wrong
Who did me right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are dynamite
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide

'Cause I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying

I can't go on living this way
Can't go on
Living this way
Nothing's alright




The New Me
Three Days Grace- "I hate everything about you"

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?

Only when I stop to think about you,
I know
Only when you stop to think about me,
do you know?

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me?

I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?


____________________________________________________________________________________

The first song refers to how for a long time I hated myself and everything and seriously considered killing myself several times because my life was so bad. Now things have changed quite a bit and are improving dramatically so while I am still quite often bored I dont look at sharp objects and contemplate how to bring about an end with them. I've messed up as we all have at one point or another and I am learning from my mistakes.

As I flutter through life and learn more about myself my tastes have been changing. Im addicted to an amazing tv show called True Blood which is definitely not for kids or teenagers for that matter (AKA anyone under 18) I have a decent paying job as a cashier that I enjoy and it keeps me busy. I have an ok place to live but in a great location for walking to work at school when I start again in August and while I still have no idea of what I want to study I am looking forward to getting back into school again. College is so much better than High School and I hated High School with a passion of a thousand burning suns. I am also looking at possible steps in life and one possible step involves moving to another state closer to the East Coast. When and where I dont know but its just a possibility. I am an adult after all. I am free to have my own opinions and speak my own thoughts after all arent I?

And these last two songs are random but awesome! At least in my opinion. And for those of you who havent seen Trueblood the last video gives you a preview of what you are missing. (Not so subtle hint at Jared and Rachel lol)

I am becoming free

I am a flower in a pot too small needing to be replanted in a larger pot.
I am a butterfly coming out of a cocoon.
I am a bird spreading my wings and learning how to fly.
I am a person once trapped by my past, learning to let things go.
With each chip away at the stone weighing me down I am becoming free.
I am an individual, a person, someone learning about themself and discovering themself.
One who is happy to have some space from family to be able to figure out what I really want in life. And my next big step might be a cross country move away from the Southwest:) to somewhere back East such as Maryland, Virginia, upstate New York or Ohio. Life is looking better and for the first time in years I do not feel numb at the moment.

Photograph

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey's head?

And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I've broke in twice
I must have done it half a dozen times

I wonder if it's too late
Should I go back and try to graduate?
Life's better now than it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in

Oh oh oh
Oh God I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye

Remember the old arcade?
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hanging out
They said somebody went and burned it down

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we'd find out how if feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/n/nickelback-lyrics/photograph-lyrics.html ]

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since God knows when

Oh oh oh
Oh God I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I miss their faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it

I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me...




I love this song by Nickelback. Its helped me through a lot to move on from some things, and to say goodbye to others.

None of it matters

Currently listening to: Let it Rock by Kevin Rudolf


Its amazing how you can write something, save it and them come back to it later and none of it matters. I had a whole blog post written and I saved it as a draft and came back to it and none of it matters now.


Now listening to: Saving Me by Nickelback

Sometimes I just want it to end

Sometimes I just want it all to end. When I went to see a movie recently I was in a good mood before it started and during the previews before the movie there was some sort of commercial depicting a good relationship between a Father and Son which just depressed me and within a couple of hours I was feeling suicidal. I need to see a counselor soon if something as small as that is going to depress me. My father and I have not had a good relationship for several years and whenever I talk to him I hardly ever get to say anything because he just talks and talks which I know is just his way but it depresses me. I am a fly caught in a web that I cant get out of. I wish the spider would come and end it.

Fog and Mist

The fog and mists are clearing.
The sands of time stirring
The cogs of life whirring.

The fog and mists that held me trapped for so long are fading.
My mind is becoming clear.
Many nights of restlessness have added up to something
While I lay awake pondering life.
Of decisions to make and options to consider.
I still have not made up my mind of what I want to do but my mind is becoming clear.