Saturday, March 31, 2012
I am me
I am me. I listen to Lady Gaga, Nickelback, Linkin Park, Simple Plan, and whatever else I feel like listening to. I like photography, music, movies, etc... I am a person, an individual, a personality. I am me. And me is going out country dancing tonight for his first time! :)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
The dark side of life
We can look on the dark side of life. Hell my life is not the best right now. My phones being a piece of crap right now, Im inbetween jobs till Monday, I dont have any money coming in till Monday so my savings are low right now as Im only subtracting from them and not adding to them, its exactly a week away from being a year exactly since an event happened last year that I realised after talking to my Grandmother today, my parents barely communicate with me at all and my biological siblings dont talk to me either.
And so I daydream of a perfect world. A world where my family understands that communication is not a two way street. Where my siblings call or text me instead of me putting all the effort into trying to keep family ties. Where my Dad responds instead of ignoring me and my Mom texts me to see how Im doing, rather than it always being the other way around. My little brother when he was first learning how to read and write would mail me drawings with a few sentences such as "I miss you..." Those little words meant a lot to me, coming from my youngest brother. Now communication with him is nonexistent.
Nearly three years ago, I moved back to the States from Saudi Arabia. Riyadh the capitol to be specific. A country very different than what the media makes it out to be and its not what most people in North America thinks its like. I did a year of college in Arizona and then moved to Utah for a multitude of reasons, one of them being I was done with Arizona heat and drama that happened while I was in High School in Arizona occurred again in college in Arizona. I was done with the bs and moved north, to Utah. I got a job and after living with my Aunt here in Utah for about a year, I was able to move out on my own with roommates. Some drama happened with a guy who should not have been there, but he refused to recognize that he had no right to be there, and continued to threaten me and I had enough and moved out. So far I havent had too many troubles with my current roommates, but I would like to be able to rent a studio or 1 bedroom apartment by myself if I can find something I can afford. My current lease ends in Mid-July so I do have some time before I need to worry about finding a new place to live. My current place is ok but I do not intend on renewing my lease. Finally after living here for close to two years, I have managed to make some good friends who are like siblings to me. I have issues with trusting people after a lots happened in my life, so this is huge for me.
Through counseling I've managed to get stablised, I no longer have thoughts of suicide, though I do still get depressed occasionally, but its not all the time and I usually am able to pull myself out of it pretty quickly. I've learned how to communicate but my family hasnt, and sadly they probably will not at this rate, and they still to this day do not understand me, especially my Dad, despite what he might say to the contrary. He hasnt understood me for years and I am no longer the same person he knew from when I lived at his house. Its been nearly three years since I moved out, I am a young adult, my own person not affiliated with his/my families religion of choice, I drink coffee, like starbucks, swear upon occasion, think for myself, etc. I definitely surprised my Dad last time I saw him and I said "no" on several occasions. It wasnt long ago, I couldnt say "no", as growing up, when my parents told me to do something, I was expected to do it, no matter what. It was simply adding too much drama in my life, and thankfully due to counseling, I learned when it was appropriate to say "no" as if I never said no, too many things piled up and that was not good. I've also learned how to deal with my anxiety issues and while I do occasionally have anxiety attacks or panic attacks, I know how to deal with them in a calm manner that leads to calmly resolving them in a much healthier mental state of mind. I've definitely become a better person and am constantly evolving and morphing into a better person, like a caterpillar in a cocoon, gradually morphing into a butterfly.
And so I daydream of a perfect world. A world where my family understands that communication is not a two way street. Where my siblings call or text me instead of me putting all the effort into trying to keep family ties. Where my Dad responds instead of ignoring me and my Mom texts me to see how Im doing, rather than it always being the other way around. My little brother when he was first learning how to read and write would mail me drawings with a few sentences such as "I miss you..." Those little words meant a lot to me, coming from my youngest brother. Now communication with him is nonexistent.
Nearly three years ago, I moved back to the States from Saudi Arabia. Riyadh the capitol to be specific. A country very different than what the media makes it out to be and its not what most people in North America thinks its like. I did a year of college in Arizona and then moved to Utah for a multitude of reasons, one of them being I was done with Arizona heat and drama that happened while I was in High School in Arizona occurred again in college in Arizona. I was done with the bs and moved north, to Utah. I got a job and after living with my Aunt here in Utah for about a year, I was able to move out on my own with roommates. Some drama happened with a guy who should not have been there, but he refused to recognize that he had no right to be there, and continued to threaten me and I had enough and moved out. So far I havent had too many troubles with my current roommates, but I would like to be able to rent a studio or 1 bedroom apartment by myself if I can find something I can afford. My current lease ends in Mid-July so I do have some time before I need to worry about finding a new place to live. My current place is ok but I do not intend on renewing my lease. Finally after living here for close to two years, I have managed to make some good friends who are like siblings to me. I have issues with trusting people after a lots happened in my life, so this is huge for me.
Through counseling I've managed to get stablised, I no longer have thoughts of suicide, though I do still get depressed occasionally, but its not all the time and I usually am able to pull myself out of it pretty quickly. I've learned how to communicate but my family hasnt, and sadly they probably will not at this rate, and they still to this day do not understand me, especially my Dad, despite what he might say to the contrary. He hasnt understood me for years and I am no longer the same person he knew from when I lived at his house. Its been nearly three years since I moved out, I am a young adult, my own person not affiliated with his/my families religion of choice, I drink coffee, like starbucks, swear upon occasion, think for myself, etc. I definitely surprised my Dad last time I saw him and I said "no" on several occasions. It wasnt long ago, I couldnt say "no", as growing up, when my parents told me to do something, I was expected to do it, no matter what. It was simply adding too much drama in my life, and thankfully due to counseling, I learned when it was appropriate to say "no" as if I never said no, too many things piled up and that was not good. I've also learned how to deal with my anxiety issues and while I do occasionally have anxiety attacks or panic attacks, I know how to deal with them in a calm manner that leads to calmly resolving them in a much healthier mental state of mind. I've definitely become a better person and am constantly evolving and morphing into a better person, like a caterpillar in a cocoon, gradually morphing into a butterfly.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Life update,,,
Well fortunately after about two weeks of pounding pavement putting applications in for employment all over the place, I have found another job starting at the end of the month. I should be starting online classes soon to get the rest of my generals out of the way. I will probably be doing that for a year while I figure things out and figure out what I want to do with my life. I cant decide on what I want to do. I've been thinking business, international business, graphic design, education... I just cant decide.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Bit of a setback
As the title above says I've hit a bit of a setback in my original plans to move to Salt Lake City. I lost my job up there and consequentially I will not be able to afford to move up there. Thankfully I have enough money saved to live on as long as I find another job in the next month but I will be continuing to live in the area I currently live in for the time being. However my long term plans involve moving out of state in a year or so. Where to I dont know but I am establishing a savings account to put some money in whenever I can for my fund to move out of state. It sucks but sometimes things do happen for a reason.
Currently listening to: Suomi by Alexander Rybak
Currently listening to: Suomi by Alexander Rybak
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