I am so confused right now

I am so confused about life right now. Being unemployed has given me a ton of timebto think about what I want to do in life and quite honestly I don't know what I want to do anymore. With everything thats been going on in my life the past few months from family drama, to being unemployed and worrying about how Im going to make ends meet, it's made me loose track of what I want for myself. For a while I wanted to be a nurse, a massage therapist, a chiropractor, a teacher abd now I don't know what I want to be. I also found out that my best friend is moving back to Boise in January so I no longer have a real reason to stay in Utah anymore but at the same time I dont know if I should pick up and move to Boise like I've thought about or, simply oacking up and movong somewhere I really want to move to. My relationship with my parents isnt getting any better so I need to do something for myself but, I can't figure out what. I am just so confused right now and I really can't figure out what to do for myself.

The dark side of life

We can look on the dark side of life. Hell my life is not the best right now. My phones being a piece of crap right now, Im inbetween jobs till Monday, I dont have any money coming in till Monday so my savings are low right now as Im only subtracting from them and not adding to them, its exactly a week away from being a year exactly since an event happened last year that I realised after talking to my Grandmother today, my parents barely communicate with me at all and my biological siblings dont talk to me either.

And so I daydream of a perfect world. A world where my family understands that communication is not a two way street. Where my siblings call or text me instead of me putting all the effort into trying to keep family ties. Where my Dad responds instead of ignoring me and my Mom texts me to see how Im doing, rather than it always being the other way around. My little brother when he was first learning how to read and write would mail me drawings with a few sentences such as "I miss you..." Those little words meant a lot to me, coming from my youngest brother. Now communication with him is nonexistent.

Nearly three years ago, I moved back to the States from Saudi Arabia. Riyadh the capitol to be specific. A country very different than what the media makes it out to be and its not what most people in North America thinks its like. I did a year of college in Arizona and then moved to Utah for a multitude of reasons, one of them being I was done with Arizona heat and drama that happened while I was in High School in Arizona occurred again in college in Arizona. I was done with the bs and moved north, to Utah. I got a job and after living with my Aunt here in Utah for about a year, I was able to move out on my own with roommates. Some drama happened with a guy who should not have been there, but he refused to recognize that he had no right to be there, and continued to threaten me and I had enough and moved out. So far I havent had too many troubles with my current roommates, but I would like to be able to rent a studio or 1 bedroom apartment by myself if I can find something I can afford. My current lease ends in Mid-July so I do have some time before I need to worry about finding a new place to live. My current place is ok but I do not intend on renewing my lease. Finally after living here for close to two years, I have managed to make some good friends who are like siblings to me. I have issues with trusting people after a lots happened in my life, so this is huge for me.

Through counseling I've managed to get stablised, I no longer have thoughts of suicide, though I do still get depressed occasionally, but its not all the time and I usually am able to pull myself out of it pretty quickly. I've learned how to communicate but my family hasnt, and sadly they probably will not at this rate, and they still to this day do not understand me, especially my Dad, despite what he might say to the contrary. He hasnt understood me for years and I am no longer the same person he knew from when I lived at his house. Its been nearly three years since I moved out, I am a young adult, my own person not affiliated with his/my families religion of choice, I drink coffee, like starbucks, swear upon occasion, think for myself, etc. I definitely surprised my Dad last time I saw him and I said "no" on several occasions. It wasnt long ago, I couldnt say "no", as growing up, when my parents told me to do something, I was expected to do it, no matter what. It was simply adding too much drama in my life, and thankfully due to counseling, I learned when it was appropriate to say "no" as if I never said no, too many things piled up and that was not good. I've also learned how to deal with my anxiety issues and while I do occasionally have anxiety attacks or panic attacks, I know how to deal with them in a calm manner that leads to calmly resolving them in a much healthier mental state of mind. I've definitely become a better person and am constantly evolving and morphing into a better person, like a caterpillar in a cocoon, gradually morphing into a butterfly.

All time low

The challenge with depression is the constant battle to stay above water. At the moment my depression is at an all time low. I rarely go out except to go to work, the rest of the time I stay home, watch movies, listen to music. I rarely get texts or calls from anyone. Im really wondering what the point is in trying anymore. I need friends who will text me to see how my day is going, to hang out with me at night when Im not at work, to give me something to look forward to when I get off work. This sucks. I need to get out of here.

Im going

Im embarking on a journey of self discovery starting either in late spring and I am starting a new blog about it. Heres the link http:http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif//davidslifeinasuitcase.blogspot.com/

New life

I've been thinking about this for a while and Im hoping to start a new life outside the states in about a year, in Canada. I'm researching schools and have a few I intend to apply to. They are

Memorial University-St Johns, Newfoundland and Labrador.

University of Victoria-Victoria, British Columbia.

University of Alberta-Edmonton, Alberta.

University of British Columbia-Vancouver, British Columbia.

Concordia University-Montreal, Quebec.

University of Ottawa-Ottawa Ontario

I intend to apply to the Bachelor of Primary Education for each of these respective universities. My intended goal is to become a Elementary School teacher and work with young kids because I enjoy helping them learn.

I think I will be turning this blog into a blog about my journey through applying for admissions to those Canadian Universities, how I will figure out how to pay for school there, the process of obtaining a student visa, wrapping up my life in the states as I prepare to leave, moving to Canada, getting started there, and life in general there.

Hopefully in about a year I will be Canada bound eh?

Retail Rant :)

At my previous job (I start my new job monday :) ) I worked retail at a large box store and while there were some things I liked about it (quite a few of the people I worked with) there were also some things I absolutely hated about it (certain company policies, a coworker who was a bitch before she became a supervisor and after she got promoted it went to her head and she was unbearable, etc...) and I found this video on youtube by a guy in Canada who also works retail and I have to say it mirrors quite a few of my feelings about working retail.

Got a new job!

Well I got a new job in Salt Lake at a call center taking inbound calls for international travel reservations. It pays 70 cents more an hour than what Im currently getting plus it offers commission opportunities for upselling hotel packages, for example someone calls wanting to book a room and I suggest they include a breakfast package with that hotel room, I get a commission if they decide to go with that. So I put my two weeks notice in at my current job yesterday which kind of surprised our HR lady but she took it nicely because I was very nice about it and had written a polite letter of resignation/two weeks notice. I'm going to miss my friends from my current job but I'm looking forward to new opportunities working in a field I have personal experience in having lived overseas in the Middle East. I visited Bahrain quite often so I have my personal preferences about what to do in that Island Kingdom and its soo much fun there. One of these days I wouldnt mind leading a guided tour there and in Europe. My next international travel experience outside of North America is hopefully going to be Ireland in about two years depending on if I can save up the money or if I can do a study abroad program with school. I really want to see The Emerald Isles or the Motherland as I call it as my Moms family came from Ireland in the early 1900s and shes full Irish and my Dads part Irish so I am over half Irish and its kind of obvious at times with my skin tone and hair tint. I've actually met some people from Ireland and it turns out I am more Irish then them because their families have been marrying people from all over Europe for years as opposed to my Moms family who when they came over to the States from Ireland settled in the New York City area and it seems like they mostly stayed in the Irish areas.

So I am looking forward to how my life will be in the next few months.

Currently listening to: Alexander Rybak- Roll with The Wind

Floating

Thinking back on when I entered college this year I realised that I've been floating this year because I'm not sure what I want out of life. I've just been taking general classes not really sure what I want to do. However History has sparked an interest in me this year. Theres that quote "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it" I think I would enjoy educating people about History. Yes I am a bit of History nerd but so what.

Another thing I am interested in as you may have noticed from my past posts is Massage Therapy. The art of healing people without surgery is something I've been curious about now for a while and now I think I'd like to become a Massage Therapist. I've been looking at Massage Therapy Programs in the Southwest and I've found a couple of Massage Therapy Schools but they are all out of my budget and my goal is to stay debt free. So I looked at Community Colleges in Arizona and Utah for Massage Therapy Programs and so far the only CC I've found is Chandler Gilbert Community College. So I will probably be transferring there next year. Unfortunately Mesa CC which is the school I was planning on going to if I moved back to Maricopa County doesn't offer a Massage Therapy Program according to their website. Now that might change soon but who knows. However Chandler Gilbert's Program requires some prerequisite courses which will take another year to earn so it looks like I'll be at a Community College for at least three years. In that case I plan on getting three Associates Degrees. One in General Studies, another in History, and one in Massage Therapy. However before I move anywhere I need a job so if at all possible I hope to be able to at least get a work study job at Chandler Gilbert.

Today I've been rather tired and I'm not exactly sure why. I'll be going to bed a bit earlier than I did last night as a result of this methinks. I have a couple of assignments due in English tomorrow that I've been procrastinating doing and I'm going to procrastinate some more meaning this weekend I am going to be busy. Bleh. I need to put together an organiser and then put all my assignments in that and get them done early so I dont procrastinate till the very last minute like I've been doing. Now my issue is putting together an organiser. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I keep forgetting how peaceful the library is as compared to my dorm. However my dorm this semester is still paradise compared to the one I was in last semester. However I'm using one of the study rooms in the library right now and its quiet and peaceful. Bliss :) ! I need to come here more often. I could get my assignments done more quickly here as well. But I also like the back pillow I bought at Bed Bath and Beyond over Christmas Break with some of the money my parents gave me for Christmas. I put it on top of my bed and I sit on my bed with my laptop. :)

I'm also realising that I have too much stuff in my dorm room but I literally live there so I'm not sure what to do. Its also a kind of compulsion of mine that whenever I have money I buy movies that I want. I always try to get them for under five dollars though because I am a bit of a cheapskate. Half.com is a wonderful place to find good used dvds for a fraction of the price it would cost to buy brand new in stores. I'm also constantly checking out Wal Marts five dollar movie bin to see what they have. For a while nothings interested me there though. I really need a job but its next to impossible to get one here in this town. Work studies get taken by people on the sports teams as they snag them when they move in a few weeks before school starts for practices. So by the time school starts and everyone else moves in all jobs are taken. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I hate this town and this state but I'm stuck at the moment till I can get a job and save up money to move. My current plan at the moment is to get my three Associates Degrees as I stated above then find a job out of state (preferably back east) somewhere else with flexible residency laws, move there and take a gap year and work for a year to save up money and then enroll at a University in that state.

However if I do get accepted into the Disney After High School Program I am going to be moving out of state soon! Keep your fingers crossed for me to get accepted into this program.