I got the idea of Inner War off Jareds blog. I feel like I am going through one at the moment. With so much conflict going on inside me at the moment. As much as I love my family we are going in the opposite direction at this point in life. They are leaning towards their church and trying to become more spiritual whereas I on the other hand am not leaning towards it and am not very spiritual these days. I think that Crawling by Linkin Park describes part of the conflict/inner war I am going through.
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling
I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Chorus
Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Chorus (Repeat until end)
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling (Whispered during chorus)
Words and writing of others can describe things that we have a hard time describing ourselves. In this case Crawling describes the fact that I have some wounds from the past that are having a hard time healing. Although there are lots of nice people in the LDS Church I have met a lot of two faced people which when you take that and all the bs that happened to me in High School caused several wounds which still need time to heal. My Mother said that I haven't been happy for several years and I do believe that is partially true though thats not to say I haven't had happy or fun moments.
I feel like ranting about High School... I HATED it. I am so sick of drama from all the BS that went on from teachers who should have been fired,to bureacracy, to classmates who have their heads up their asses, to teachers who pick a couple of students to give good grades to no matter what, to students cheating openly and teachers and administrators letting them get away with it despite the fact that they say they do not tolerate cheating, to administration doing stupid things to your credits. I think that the best thing that happened to me was when I enrolled full time at Primavera and finished quickly through them and the teachers were willing to listen to my views and answer my questions. I know a lot of people look down at Online Schools but I don't care what they say Primavera is amazing. With the layouts of their classes, the helpfulness of their teachers and administrators as they really want you to succeed and they don't just sit there collecting a paycheck. They were also extremely flexible so if you finished the world early you got the credit and then could take another class and finish early if you wanted. I wish I could have gone to Primavera starting in my Junior year as I could probably have finished a year early. Oh I hated High School.
Now my brother is going to be attending Primavera soon and he is a Sophomore and he is going to be trying to finish as soon as possible. I think he could finish a year and a half early because he is really quite motivated and really works hard.
5 comments:
In LaVeyan Satanism - which, by the way, does not worship the devil, as it is an atheist religion that believes in no deities and feels that the "Devil" is merely symbolic of man's true nature - stress is placed on the "self." That is, it asserts that God (Christian or otherwise) does not exist, that he is a man-made thing. So, it asserts that worship of a man-made object is, by extension, worship of man himself. My friend loaned me a copy of the Satanic Bible and while I knew that true Satanists are NOT a cult that sacrifice chickens and whatnot, there was still a lot about it that I didn't (and still don't) know. But after having read a good chunk of the book, I was surprised at how logical the "belief" system is. If you're so inclined, look up "LaVeyan Satanism" on Wiki - you'll want to put in those exact words, because there have since been offshoots of it established by people who left due to "disagreements in beliefs." Basically, these people are poseurs who wanted to be adored/hailed by all as the beloved leader of a movement. The offshoots are what gives Satanism a bad rap, because they are less "underground" than original LaVeyan Satanism, and those are the groups that indulge in sacrificial magic - so of course they get more attention.
You know, while my senior year of high school was undoubtedly my favorite, overall, it sucked. No respect, useless work, bullshit, more bullshit, ad nauseum. But as soon as I got to college, I started being happier for some reason, and I can't exactly put me finger on it. Because it's not like all of those things went away; college is a lot like high school, only the stakes are higher. But I think it's just the idea that there are POSSIBILITIES that are conceivably within my reach, things that I finally have at least some power towards making happen...Yeah, I think that's what it is. So if you're not happy where you're currently at, often it's the location. Changing your geography can play a big part. If EAC just isn't a good fit and is making you miserable, then it's time to transfer. You mentioned you might be going to Utah, and that sounds fun, but one caveat: I personally would never, ever, EVER spend any length of time in Utah, because I get so tired of dealing with Mormons and the hypocritical bullshit that constantly streams out of their mouths. If you think you can handle that, then go for it!! But if not, that Disney after high school program sounds really, really awesome. Plus, you'll be in CALI (which is where I originally wanted to go to school, and I got accepted, but they didn't have any money to give me scholarships...suckage.)!! I'm not saying this to be mean at all...it's just that I've been there. I've tried to change my location when things just weren't working out anymore. And because I didn't consider ALL of the possible consequences, it ended up being the most miserable 6 months of my life.
In addition to the Disney after High school program there also the disney college program where you work at Disneyland in California or Disneyworld in Florida and you take certain classes in hospitality and whatnot and they transfer back to your college or University. Maybe we could both do that for a semester and have a blast at the same time. They have a presentation online that I've been looking at and it looks really interesting. Heres the link. http://wdwcollegeprogramecard.com/dlrcp/
I am thinking that a change in Geography may help as you suggested and I am going to Utah this summer. I'll be in the heart of mormonville but I think I'll be fine. I think I've also been hit hard with a travel bug as I never seem to want to stay in one place for long hence my blogs name davidthenomad (well that and that my parents don't live in the states so I technically don't have a home to go back to) and while I'm in Utah I'm hoping to be able to go a bit up North and visit Oregon, Idaho, Washington, and maybe even make it up to Alberta Canada to see a friend of mine who lives there. And I need to get out to Montreal too as another friend of mine just immigrated there from Saudi (well he's originally from the Phillipines but his Dads been working in Saudi for several years and got a job in Montreal). At this point I just want to travel a lot.
On the plus side with Utah there are two winter sports I can try up there that I haven't had a chance to try before and they are Skiing and Snowboarding. I've always wanted to try those two sports but never had a chance.
So question when you refer to when you changed your location are you referring to when you moved to Minnesota a while back? I never did hear much about that from you.
yeah, the Minnesota thing is what I was referring to, and the reason you haven't heard much about it is because there really isn't much to tell. It sucked. The end. lol. and I know what you mean about the travel bug; I've had it all my life but never had the opportunity to go anywhere - which is why I worked so hard to be able to scrounge up money for a plane ticket. Now, spending money? that's another story... T_T
I know what you mean about spending money. My next big adventure off the North American Continent will hopefully be about two years during the summer to Beirut, Lebanon. I'm hopefully that I will be able to become financially self sufficient in Utah and be able to save up enough to go visit a friend who will be going to University (either American University of Beirut or Lebanese American University) so either way she'll be in Beirut and I didn't get to see her when I was in Saudi over Christmas so this will probably be the best chance I get to see her.
Ritsuka, I don't know how else to say this so I will just come right out with it: you really hurt my feelings with your Mormon jibe. I am a Mormon and I am proud to be one. I know I'm not perfect but no one is, and I don't appreciate being lumped into a negative group just because you haven't had the best experiences with certain people in my religion. There's a saying that suits this; 'The church is true, though some of the people are not.'
Please don't call me a conceited hypocrite again. It really hurts.
Post a Comment