Life update

Things are so so these days. I've been working at the same place for over a month, it pays the same as my previous job which I lost. Well it pays the same during training that is. Next week when I'm done with training I get a raise, so while I will pay more in taxes, I also will be making more money so there is the tradeoff. My depressive anxiety is somewhat under control, though I did have an anxiety attack the other day occurring from a memory flashback that I would prefer not to visit again. I need to start seeing a counselor again. I'm moving down the street in a few weeks and other than that I have nothing to report.

Inside Im dying. I struggle to find myself. Im drowning in a sea of abyss, overflowing with bullshit, and the lies of people I used to trust.

I want to stop crying inside. I want to be me. Not something Im not. I used to think I had a small grasp of who I am. Now I simply don’t know anymore. I am literally alone in a sea of people. 

I want to feel. Some sort of feeling rather than feeling numb all the time. Not sitting alone in some dark corner of my mind. 

I want not to have these scars Emotional Abuse takes its toll. I’ve lived with it for 20+ years. With every day a piece of me chips off and goes away. 

I want to be able to trust again. But with my mind stuck in the past, dwelling on past incidents I have not been able to let go of. I want to be free of my past so I can move forward with my life. Yet I still dwell in the past. I want to fly and be as free as a bird, yet I cannot find my wings to take flight with.

I seriously just want to run. Run far away where no one knows me and build a life away from family drama.